Broken

Have you ever felt broken in life or spread so thin that you don’t really know where you belong?  These feelings have been overwhelming me a little bit lately as I struggle with balancing full time work and family life.  As I type this, it kind of makes me feel a little bit ashamed because I have been so blessed throughout my life.  When I think of single mothers who work full time and struggle to put food on the table, I feel like a whimpering child and pray that God gives me the strength to snap out of it!!

When I take an honest look at the course of my life, I see a clear pattern of always trying to find balance between my desire to do for others and my desire to care for my own family.  I love my husband and children fiercely but if I am to be completely honest with myself, I realize that I put them on the back burner most of the time.  This fills me with such shame.  During this season of lent, it is this sin that I lay at the foot of the cross.

Lent is a time to search inward and see what patterns in our life draw us away from God.  This is a struggle for me because while I feel I serve God by serving others, I am equally neglecting those whom should come first in my life.  While one draws me toward God, the other pulls me away from God.  Have you ever felt this pull?  Please pray for me as I come to terms with patterns of selfishness and pride which put my need for serving others before serving my husband and children.  Today is my daughter’s 17^th birthday and I have filled it working in the morning, traveling to Cleveland to be with Brian and working in the evening.  I have heard it said that the best gift we can give someone is the gift of our presence.  While I prepared her birthday meal yesterday, today, I could not give her the smallest gift my presence.

You know, one song that keeps coming on the radio that I really need to hear is “Broken Together.”  It speaks of how while we are not perfect, the only way to get through life is being “broken together.”  It helps me cling on to hope that my family will love me in my brokenness – that they will know my love for them even when I am too busy to be present to them.  God I hope they know my love for them!

I pray that “God will help our broken hearts align.”

I pray that whatever pain you may be going through, that “healing may be spoken.”

Shalom,

Tina

One thing Catholics know how to do well is RITUAL!  Light the candle . . . burn the incense . . . dim the lights . . . center oneself . . . focus on prayer . . . I LOVE IT!   I walk into the sanctuary sometimes and just stop and breathe in the scent of the room and declare to myself . . . oh, I love being Catholic!

As you know, being Catholic is more than signs and ritual . . . it embodies Christ’s call to go out to the world and be his hands and feet.  One of my personal rituals has been turning the calendar.  Now, the past two years I have not honored this ritual, and it is something that I need to honor once again.  Oh, I would spend so much time choosing the calendar that we would use for the year – and interestingly enough, I have found that the themes I have chosen have indicated a maturity in myself.  When our children were little, I chose fun calendars . . . then switched to country folk art.  In my 40’s the themes were more about me – herbs, coffee, wine, psalms.  My 2015 and 2016 calendars have been the St. William Parish calendar.  As my mom lay dying, I just could not bring myself to purchase a calendar.  I did not want to face filling up those little squares without her.

Once the perfect calendar was chosen, I would carve out time to fill in the new calendar ~ often with a candle lit and a fresh cup of coffee or a nice Pinot in hand.  The first thing I would fill in is all the family birthdates, dates of death, Baptism, anniversary dates and as I wrote each name, I would think of them and smile as I wrote the age they would be turning.  Then I would tackle the events for each month – school – church – work – personal.  As I looked back upon the year, I would marvel on how we accomplished everything!  As I looked upon the nice clean squares waiting to be filled I would wonder what excitement would await us in this new year and I would look forward to those summer months when a few squares would be gloriously BLANK and think – oh – I am going to lay in the sun with a good book on that day!

I have saved most of the calendars over the past 31 years of married life.  It is fun to get them out sometimes for they mark the changes in our lives. Those little squares tell a story of how we choose to live.  For God tells us through scripture “where your treasure is, there shall your heart be also.”  I think the same hold true of the yearly calendar, for our yearly calendar certainly reflects a pattern of lives dedicated to God.

In this Year of Mercy, let us all try to fill our calendar with moments of sheltering the homeless, visiting the sick and imprisoned, feeding the hungry, clothing the naked and giving drink to the thirsty.  Let us remember every day to be the hands and feet of Christ.

Shalom,

Tina