Luke tells us that Mary “kept all
these things in her heart. And Jesus
advanced in wisdom and age and favor before God and man.” Luke 2:52 I have been pondering this scripture verse quite a
bit these past few days as I have been sorting through my memories of the past
year ~ the first year of living without my mother on this earthly side of
heaven. This blog has been a vehicle
through which I have been able to sort through my grief and I want you to know
how thankful I am for the opportunity to share my thoughts concerning faith and
spirituality, for this is the only lens through which I know how to view
life. As I have shared with you in the
past, life experience is one of the ways in which we advance in wisdom and age.
With my Dad’s permission, I share with you some very intimate moments
from the Christmas of 2014 because I know that many of you who will read this
loved Rosie too! If you are struggling
through life, perhaps our experience can help you find favor with God.
December
19 and December 20 ~ My Mom was bound and determined despite her weakened
state to have the Frazzini Italian Christmas feast of the 7 fishes in her home
as it had been celebrated since her parents bought the home. Sadly, I missed the celebration because I was
celebrating with the McCue family. I did
have the honor though of playing “elf” for my Mom and chose cards for her to
give her siblings, her nephews, her husband, her children. I sat with her and watched her struggle with
all of her might as she wrote what she knew would be her final words to her
siblings. Oh to watch that love and
determination in her – what a gift it was to witness that love. My sister, Roseann helped her with Dad’s and
our sibling cards. She asked Roseann to
apply lipstick on her and she left her kiss on the card for Dad ~ such sweet
love.
December
21 ~ I came home to find Mom in a
more weakened state. It soon became very
clear to me that Mom may not make it to Christmas. The next couple days are kind of a blur to
me.
December
23 ~ I remember leaving her home
late one night to get my own Christmas shopping done, but to this day I have no
idea what I purchased for my children. I
remember calling their lifelong friend, Father Zamary, to ask if he could
concelebrate and give the homily at her funeral Mass. I remember that I called my sister in New
York and told her not to wait – she better get back as soon as possible.
December
24 ~ I know that I tended my own
little family on Christmas Eve, but I don’t remember what food I prepared. I know that I sang at Mass. I know that all I wanted to do was sit at her
bedside.
December
25 ~ I know that I hated the
sound of the machine that we had to use to suction her. I know that I stood by her side most of
Christmas day using that damn machine.
We took turns massaging her lungs.
She insisted that we open Christmas gifts. I still see the haunted look in her eye when
she asked me to get everyone to hurry to open those gifts and I remember
praying that God would just let her hold on – she would not want to leave us on
this day – this day when love came down from heaven.
Now
my sister, Roseann is the one who lives in New York and I have always referred
to her as our “mystic.” She puts
together a prayer table that would shame the Vatican and she always thinks of
everything! She converted old home
movies to DVD and we sat and watched those with Mom. It brought such joy to all of us. My brother, John, wrote a song for her and
created a music video. What a
tribute! We sang Christmas Carols– oh
how she loved Christmas Carols! Roseann
wrote a beautiful poem to Mom and Dad and bought them a star – it is actually
two stars that orbit around each other and she named it “Eternal Love.”
December
26 ~ she looked at me with sad
eyes and said no more machines. I put it
under the bed.
I
called her siblings. We broke out the
hospice package. I prayed to God that I
could get ahold of a priest. Dear Father
McCarthy said he would stop by on his way home from visiting his family. I prayed that it would not be too late. It wasn’t – he came and we prayed around her. It was so incredibly beautiful. She was able to receive Eucharist – the bread
that gave her life. The family decided
to bring in a hospice nurse. I remember
that she tried to get everyone to leave the room – I wasn’t very nice to
her. My mother wanted to be surrounded
by all of us and that is the way it was going to be. We did clear most people out of the room for
a little while to eat, which gave me and my sisters some quiet time with
Mom. I felt the presence of my
grandparents and my mom’s oldest brother.
We cleared away from the spot where I felt them. Mom kept putting her hand out to that spot as
if to hold their hand. I started singing
and as family started to come back upstairs, they joined in one by one. It was the most precious moment. Mom loved to hear us all sing and most of us
felt it was great gift to her. I
remember kissing her feet and her hands.
I remember how every one of us took turns telling her what we would
remember most about her – I sat and watched this and ponder it in my heart to
this day – the look of love on her face.
She could not talk too much by this point but her eyes spoke
volumes. Then it was Dad’s turn and she
was able to say that she loved him. They
had the sweetest kiss and embrace and in that moment her soul danced to heaven.
Father
Conoboy heard our message from earlier in the day and despite the late hour
just came over not knowing that she had just passed. He blessed her earthly remains and prayed
with us. Everyone’s experience of her
death will be different than mine; but looking at it through the eyes of faith,
I cling to the words my Uncle spoke when he came to the house to say goodbye –
“death where is thou sting.” She looked
beautiful and at peace and as my niece, daughter and I moved her earthly
remains from the bed to the gurney I could not help but sing “Go forth
Christian Soul.” I kissed her sweet face
and shrouded her; then we escorted her out and sang Amazing Grace as they took
her away.
I
thank you for allowing me to share these moments with you. Throughout those last few months I called
them “pockets of grace.” When we face
life’s most difficult challenges, it helps to find pockets of grace ~ moments
that God provides to remind us that He is near.
If you ever feel as if God has abandoned you ~ please remember to look
inward and find him ~ for He is there within you and within others that He
sends to surround you with His love.
Thank you for surrounding me with the love of God!
Shalom,
Tina
